The Appropriateness of Sharing A Loss Via Social Media

So there I was...

So there I was, finishing up with an interview with a company that was recruiting for sales professionals, when I received a message via Facebook from my sister in Helena. I had messaged her for Dad's number. I had not spoken to him in several years, but I was attempting to contact him on behalf of my cousin, Tony. My father was given several items that belonged to Tony's father who had passed, with the instructions to pass these items on to Tony when he turned 18. 

My cousin asked for my help to obtain the things his father had left for his only son. 

So I opened messenger, and read the words, "Dad passed over a year ago. I thought I sent you a message."

A message? No, I didn't receive any message. Nor should I have. At the very least, I should have received a telephone call. Admittedly, I was not close to my Father. My parents divorced when I was two years old. During my childhood, he would make random appearances in my life, and always with some type of gift, as if an envelope stuffed with a hundred dollar bill, or a new bike with training wheels and streamers coming out of the handlebar grips, could make up for never being there. The truth was, he was a stranger to me. I didn't know much about him. We hadn't spent time together, getting to know each other. Sadly, that was his choice, I was a child. Despite never paying any child support to help the single mother of his child, my mother never blocked him on visitatios. She always allowed him to see me, whenever he wanted. Unfortunately, it appeared to me that he didn’t want to very much. With all that being said, how could my sister think that I would be unaffected by his passing? I remember the overwhelming feeling of sadness. It wasn't sadness for him, per se, it was in the way you may feel a little sadness for the death of a stranger who's obituary you just read in the newspaper.The real sadness was more about the opportunity he and I had for forming any type of relationship was gone. 

This wasn't the first death notification I had received via social media. A few years back, I learned through a Facebook post that my step-dad had passed. That hurt. I  was much closer to him, and to receive this news by reading a post was devastating. More so because viewing that type of news in such an impersonal way makes you feel like you weren't important enough for someone to pick up the phone to deliver the news. I suspect I am not alone in feeling that way. 

So how did sharing news of someone's death via social media become a "thing" anyway? Who was the first genius who  thought that was a good idea? 

Most people wouldn't object to using social media to deliver the news of death to the friends and associates of the deceased, provided that the close relatives have been notified first.

In my opinion, this may have been how this trend started. Notifying friends and associates in a social media post because most of us don't know each and every friend our loved one had, nor would we have contact information for all of them. My question is when did we make the leap of thinking it's acceptable to inform loved ones of someone's death in a Facebook post? Perhaps it's a general lack of care and concern for the relatives feelings that would make someone feel it's ok to notify in this manner. Human beings are supposed to feel empathy with one another. Most of us can put ourselves into the shoes of someone else, and know that we wouldn't like the same thing done to us. With that being said, how are so many people allowing the close relatives of the deceased to learn of their loved ones passing in that way? Did no one stop to think about how that would feel to learn that type of news in that manner? Or is it mere indifference, a general attitude of not being concerned with the feelings of others? Lastly, is it a selfish attempt to shirk one's responsibility to inform someone of a loved one's death, possibly out of a fear of feeling uncomfortable? 

This brings us to the "Tribute Post." Here are some guidelines to follow from "The Hierarchy of Death." 

This is as follows; Announcing a death-on social media, in person, or anywhere- should be done tactfully, with respect to the family and the deceased, and by someone who is entitled to do so. That's the bottom line as stated in an article written about the etiquette of death. 

People often rush to social media, moments after learning of someone's passing, to be the first to post about the death. This is unacceptable. This isn't breaking news and you aren't scooping a story. Stop to consider if the family has had adequate time to notify the closest relatives of the deceased, so they aren't notified by reading your post. Also consider your relationship with the newly departed soul. Were you close? Are you among the inner circle of friends and family, who have have the right to share this news? Sadly, there is no lack of people who make someone else's death about them, posting this news simply as a way to seek attention. This is wrong on all levels! The family has the right to share this information first, at a time they feel it's appropriate. 

The bottom line is this-in the digital age, news travels fast. Sometimes too fast for the family to be able to notify the friends and family closest to the deceased. We must all follow the unwritten rule of respecting the deceased's family member's right to be the ones to make the formal announcement. Remember, they are grieving the most, and should be given ample time to contact the necessary people. 

Here are a couple of links to articles written about this topic if you are interested in learning more. 

In closing, I guess I would encourage everyone to Stop and Think. Think about how you would feel to learn of a loved one's death by reading a post or a message in social media. When deciding to share news of someone's passing, examine your motivation. Are you sharing this information to receive attention for yourself? What would be your preferred method of notification if you were the one on the receiving end? If it wouldn't feel good to you, don't do it to someone else. 

Feel free to share your thoughts and opinions and thanks for reading!

https://connectingdirectors.com/60695-social-media-obits

https://www.funeralbasics.org/death-social-media-10-dos-and-donts-for-social-platforms/